


Open Up Your Mind

by shewasagaystripper



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1970s, M/M, Some hint of homophobia from Brian's family, relationship: get together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-30 00:36:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16275584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shewasagaystripper/pseuds/shewasagaystripper





	1. Don't Ask Don't Tell

‘Guys, this is Belle, my new girlfriend.’

Freddie looked up from the TV in total boredom to face yet another date of Brian’s, and he had to oppress the tendency to roll his eyes when his eyes caught the happy new couple. Whilst John and Roger got up to greet the newcomer, he took his time to let his eyes travel up and down the girl; a petite young woman with a snow white skin, that seemed to be even paler in contrast to her bright red lipstick and naturally red curls, that fell from her head in bouncy ringlets. For some reason, these characteristics seemed to go together very well. She was quite beautiful , but that wasn’t the reason why Freddie was jealous.

‘Freddie, you haven’t said hi to her yet,’ Roger reminded him after a moment, and Freddie blinked at this sudden interruption of his thoughts.

‘Oh, excuse me, dear. Hello,’ he said, and he wasn’t even surprised to find that he had forgotten her name already. Not that that mattered: She looked like a very nice girl, but that was exactly the problem with Brian’s date. She was a _girl_. And therefore, he knew this relationship, if you even wanted to call it so, wasn’t going to last longer than three weeks before they would break up. After which Brian would haul another woman into their house, just to discover after a couple of weeks that they weren’t going to work out either. But for now, with Brian’s arm draped around her hip, he had a reason to be jealous at her because she was getting all his attention, even though he knew it would only last weeks. As he looked into her dark green eyes, her shy yet confident smile, he tried not to blame her for the situation, tried his very hard to remember the two things he told himself every time Brian dragged a new girl into his life.

_She can’t help it that he doesn’t want to admit that he’s gay._

_And she certainly can’t help it that I think he should be **mine**._

 

It wasn’t like it had struck Freddie immediately that Brian was into guys when he had first met him all those years ago. By the time, the guitarist was single, and he was very reserved about his love life. Freddie just though he was shy, a characteristic that seemed to fit his personality quite well. Time passed, Brian still tried to avoid every subject around his sexual preferences, but the idea that Brian might not be into girls only popped up in Freddie’s mind when he came out himself and when Brian had started blushing and told him that it was fine – as expected, but he had that certain look upon his face. A shy yet hopeful one, as if he was waiting for this confirmation to come.

But his shyness took the best of him and he introduced a random girl as ‘his girlfriend’ only days later. And especially since Roger and John got into a relationship, Brian had started dating every single female habitant of London. But Freddie could see right through the fake smile he smiled every time he introduced his new girlfriend to the band, he could see the way he would glance over at John and Roger with a sad, desirable sparkle in his eyes, as if he was missing something. And what he was missing was a person he could actually fall in love with. And he wasn’t going to find that person in a girl, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much relationships he would start. _If he would only just give in to his desires and start dating me,_ Freddie thought, but he knew that if he had to wait for Brian to come up to him, he could wait until eternity. Brian somehow seemed to choose worthless relationships over getting out of the closet, and this insecurity and prudency and most of all _sadness_ Brian seemed to carry around like a heavy weight on his shoulders was starting to break Freddie up.

Though Brian seemed to be sad when he and his girlfriend broke up, Freddie knew the real reason why he was feeling miserable. It was because he didn’t want to give in to his actual sexual orientation, but it became painfully clear to himself that he was never going to fall in love with a girl when yet another relationship failed. He probably understood that he wasn’t going to be able to pretend to be straight for the rest of his life, yet was holding Brian back from just coming out and find himself a nice boyfriend.

 _A nice boyfriend called Freddie Mercury,_ Freddie thought to himself. Because not only did he know Brian was gay, he was also pretty sure that Brian was into him. He had read all the signs: The way he looked at him every time he thought Freddie wasn’t noticing it, the way he copied his body language, the way he would sometimes blush or stammer when Freddie would suddenly start talking to him. The way he would sometimes ‘accidentally’ walk up to him, rub his shoulder against his, just to touch him in the most innocent ways. Even the way he tried to seek for Freddie’s approval for every girl he went out with, because Freddie’s opinion was the most important one to him. But as long as Brian wasn’t going to admit to the world that he was queer, Freddie couldn’t bring himself to tell him his one and only honest opinion, and that was that Brian should leave all the girls behind and be _his_.

‘Guys, we’re going out to catch a movie. I’ll be home late,’ he said as he looked down at Belle, who smiled at him. Yet Freddie noticed that Brian wasn’t quite able to flash a genuine smile back at her.

‘It was nice meeting you,’ Roger smiled softly, and the couple greeted them politely. Brian walked towards the door, whispering a soft ‘ladies first’ to Belle and giving her a kiss on her cheek as she walked past him with a smile on his face. Yet, when Brian’s eyes met the lead singer’s, Freddie saw the empty, almost _grieving_ look in his eyes, the look that make Freddie want to run up to him, press him against the wall and kiss him extensively right in front of his companion. The look on his face reminded him once again that Brian didn’t take girls out every time because he was trying to make him jealous, but to try and convince himself that he was straight, to try and think about someone else than his actual crush, and that made Freddie even sadder. It made him feel miserable that Brian was trying to hide this part of his personality from himself for whatever reason, and when he followed his date out of the door, like he had done a thousand times before, Freddie could only wish he could do something to make Brian give in and make him realise that _he_ was the only one for him.

‘Look at that. He almost looks like a ladies’ man. If we hadn’t known that he is actually as gay as a daffodil,’ Freddie sighed, the hurt in his voice overpowering the sarcasm of his remark.

‘She seems like a nice girl, though,’ Roger remarked. Freddie thought he just wanted to avoid the subject, but then he added: ‘A nice girl that deserves a straight boy that will _actually_ love her and not use her like Brian does.’

‘He’s not really using them, baby,’ John said, and his boyfriend leant forwards to pick his cup of tea off the table before he sat back to rest his head against John’s shoulder, and he enveloped Roger’s frame with his arms. ‘Maybe he’s using them to cover up his sexuality, but he would never take advantage of a girl in a cruel way, if you know what I mean. He’s not that sort of guy, whether he’s straight or gay. But for the love of God, can’t he just come out and find himself a boyfriend?’

‘Correction: Can’t he just come out and hook up with Freddie?’ Roger said, flashing a wink, earning a weary smile from Freddie, who stared down at his hands. ‘Come on, Mercury. I’m seriously going to lock the two of you up in a closet if you start denying the fact that you want to fuck his brains out.’

‘Roger!’ John chided him, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘It’s more than that and you know it. You’re in love with him, just like he’s infatuated with you,’ John continued, now aiming his words at Freddie.

‘You don’t know how much I love him. He really is the only one for me, dears. I can’t stop thinking about him, especially when he leaves with that sad look upon his face as he goes out with a bloody girl once again. When is he going to realise that girls are not his cup of tea and that I love him as much as he seems to be in love with me?’ Freddie spoke the last sentence absent-mindedly, as if he was already lost in the fantasy of being together with Brian. He had told John and Roger about his crush on Brian long ago, when the three of them had already been quite sure that Brian was gay _and_ was having the same feelings towards Freddie, but at the time they also knew very well that they weren’t going to be able to pair them up as long as Brian kept dating people of the opposite gender.

‘He’s going to realise that once you drag him into your bedroom, lock the door, tie his hands up the headboard of the bed, rip his clothes off and fuck him like he’s never been fucked before. Though I doubt if he’s ever been fucked before… Do you figure he’d let those girls get into his pants?’

‘Roger, please! I want to _actually_ help him. But he’s pushing me away whenever I try to get the truth out of him. I’ve tried to talk to him so many times, but something is holding him back from admitting that he’s into guys. I want to help him get over his fear of coming out.’

‘Then you should do so! You can literally out,- and pair up everybody. If I’d get a bottle of vodka for every time you matched two of our friends, I’d be drunk all the time.’

‘Then what’s the difference with the current situation, dear?’ Freddie joked, even though he wasn’t into clever remarks at this point of time.

‘Oh, shut up. You get the point. You’re like fucking Cupid. You even managed to get _John_ out of the closet and pair the two of us up!’ Roger cried, stressing the name of his lover as if it was a bloody miracle that John wasn’t trying to cover up his love for men anymore.

‘Yes, but that was easy, honey. John was on the verge of coming out and you two were _desperate_ for each other. Mentally and physically,’ he added with a chuckle.

‘But he’s desperate for you as well, can’t you see? Can’t you see how he looks at you every single time? Those innocent puppy eyes are even harder to resist than Roger’s,’ John said, earning a poke from Roger, who disagreed heavily. John chuckled, pressing his lover closer against his chest. ‘Fred, If there’s _someone_ in this entire world who can possibly make him come out, it’s you and no one else.’

‘It’s not that easy. Yes, it’s easy to pair my friends up, but for myself…’ Freddie’s voice died out and he fiddled around with the button on the sleeve of his blazer. ‘I’m afraid of rejection, darlings.’

‘He won’t reject you. God, he’s _longing_ for you to release him from this endless circle of dating girls and breaking up with them because he knows just as well that it’s impossible to try and be straight. We all know that,’ John said, and the couple laughed before John picked up the conversation again, when he noticed that Freddie wasn’t exactly in for laughing at the moment. ‘He needs help, and you’re the best person to help him. I could go talk to him, and so could Roger, but you’re the only one who can actually make him come out with a _reason_ , because he’s clearly head over heels for you. Anyone could try and lure him out of the closet, say it’s fine not to be straight, but it would mean so much more if you would be the one to out him. You know how much your opinion means to him, and maybe you could even immediately start a relationship with him. Isn’t that the best thing that could possibly happen to him after all these years of pretending to be straight?’

‘No, the best thing would be that Freddie would get down on his knees to him right away. And I _certainly_ don’t mean to propose to him.’ Roger smiled cheekily, and John sighed.

‘I think it’s time for you two to descend off to the bedroom, love birds. I’ll think about it – or actually, I’ve been thinking about it for a too long time, but I’m not sure how I should do this. I have to be careful in the first place, but I also have to be straight to the point, because knowing him, he’ll try and find a way to talk himself out of it. But I do have to be nice of course, and make sure not to hurt his feelings… And if it all goes well, I have to ask him if he… wants to be with me…’ Freddie’s voice trailed down, and suddenly he sighed, tears appearing in his eyes. ‘God, I really can’t do this, dears.’

‘You can. You’re the one and only master of love and I believe you can,’ John answered, standing up as Roger tugged on the hem of his shirt, probably to drag him off to the bedroom. ‘Think about it. Take your time, but not too much. We’ve wasted enough time with being reticent already,’ he said before he let Roger haul him out of the living room, leaving Freddie behind in a mist of love and insecurity.

 

It was almost twelve o’clock when Freddie was sitting in the kitchen, a tired yawn escaping his throat as he looked at the words he had scribbled down on the notepad in front of him. He had left the living room to go to bed early, not really feeling like staying up and hearing John and Roger make love while he was left all on his own. But while staring at the ceiling in the dark for an hour, he found himself constantly thinking about something even more painful: Brian being somewhere in the cinema, his arm draped around Belle’s waist, her head resting against his shoulder, and he was trying his best to fall in love with her at the very moment. That was after all one of the main problems: he was desperately convinced that he could actually like girls if he would just keep op _trying_ , and he wasn’t giving up until he had found the one.

_But he wasn’t going to find the one in a girl. He would only find the one in him._

So after an hour of trying not to cry while thinking about another disaster date Brian was going through at the moment, Freddie stepped out of bed and aimlessly walked around in his bedroom, before sitting down on the double bed that felt so empty as long as Brian wasn’t going to move into his room and fill up the unclaimed part of the mattress.

After a while, he decided that he had to talk to John, and hoping the was still awake, he peered around the door of the room he shared with Roger. But unfortunately, all he found was John snoring softly, his arms flung around his mostly disrobed boyfriend who was sprawled all over him, his head resting on John’s naked chest. The sight of the two lovers, sleeping close against each other, finding safety in each other’s arms, had Freddie pinned to the ground. How bad he wanted to find himself lying against Brian’s bare chest, feel his breath brushing against his cheek, just _be_ with him in general. He walked away from the room without closing the door, sitting down at the kitchen table, resting his head on his clasped hands. He needed to do something, but what was there left to do after trying just about _anything_ to out Brian?

And here he was, an hour later, still pondering about the perfect plan to finally bring this hopeless situation to an end. He had drawn a whole scheme of questions he could ask Brian, complete with replies to every answer – excuse,  lie, whatever you wanted to call it – Brian could possibly come up with. But it was nothing he had never asked him before, so he knew Brian would easily come up with another yet kind of the same distant, evasive, absent-minded answer.

Do you really like the girls you go out with? _They’re very nice, yes._ But do you love them? _I just haven’t found the one I really have a special bond with yet._

Are you sure your dates are, you know, the right sort? _What? You mean you think they’re not nice enough or something_? No, I mean, are they really the **kind** of persons you’re looking for? _They are nice, but just not exactly my type of girl, you see…_

Brian, you know we would support you regardless of who you take home with you. You know that, don’t you? _I know. I’m sorry for showing up with all these girls all the time, but I’m just still trying to find the right one._ I mean, we would support you even if you wouldn’t take a girl home. _You mean if I just stayed single?_

That well-played ignorance, that sad innocence, it was breaking Freddie up more and more as time passed. It made him want to scream, ‘Brian, you’re gay and we all know it, so just stop trying to find love in girls and get your ass into my bedroom already!’ But Brian was so shy and so timid and so incredibly _avoiding_ about the subject, that Freddie was afraid he would cause him a heart attack if he would do as much as just ask him ‘Brian, dear, are you gay?’ And the last thing he wanted to do was break his heart, because he would hate seeing him broken because of _him_ even more than seeing him broken because of all the girls he could never really love.

So all Freddie could do was kindly, cautiously ask him if he wasn’t into boys. If there was maybe,  just maybe, a small chance that he might fall in love with someone of the same gender. But this tactic wasn’t really clarifying anything so far, too.

Have you ever considered going out with a guy, maybe? _A guy? I- what do you mean?_ You know, I’m just curious if you would be open to go out with a man. _I… I don’t know. I wouldn’t say it’s… impossible, but… I don’t really see it happening, not- not for now, at least…_

And then Brian wouldn’t look at him, instead staring at the white nail polish on his left hand, and his mind would be so far away that Freddie hoped he was fantasising about coming out, getting into a relationship with a guy – and that guy would be him, or at least, he hoped so, so incredibly badly.

Freddie awoke from these thoughts with a start when the door to the kitchen opened to reveal Brian. The front man shrieked – he hadn’t heard the front door since he was imagining his relationship with the very person that was now standing in the doorpost, the relationship that was impossible as long as he was trying to fit into the by society preferred sexual orientation.

‘God, Freddie, I didn’t expect to see you at this point of time!’ Brian spoke in hushed tones, yet he sounded excited. Freddie could see the infatuated look in his eyes, and he knew for a fact that it wasn’t because of his evening with Belle. Brian strode over to the kitchen table and sat down next to him at the head of the table, smiling insecurely when he looked down at his own hands. Freddie expected him to say something, but when he didn’t, he decided to start the conversation himself.

‘And? How was your date?’ he asked, trying to sound interested, but the only thing he really was interested in was the narrator himself, of course.

‘My date?’ Brian repeated, as if he had forgotten about the events of the whole evening at the very moment his eyes caught Freddie’s. ‘Yes, it was nice,’ he answered, just like what he always replied. It was always _nice_ , but the date was never exactly his kind of partner. Which wasn’t miraculous, considering the fact that he was searching the perfect one in the wrong gender, considering the fact that the perfect one was sitting right next to him, and not somewhere out on the streets.

‘It must have been very nice, I can tell,’ Freddie said, pointing at Brian’s left cheek, on which the obvious traces of a lipstick-kiss were visible. Brian frowned lightly, touching his cheek with his hand without knowing what was going on. ‘Lipstick. She gave you a kiss, I assume.’

‘What? Oh, yes, she did,’ Brian said absent-mindedly, trying to smile but not really managing to do so. It was as if he was somehow glad that he had an exhibit that his date had worked out well, but at the same time he wished the spot hadn’t been there because he was in the same room with his crush, from whom he hoped he was still not aware of the fact that he was in love with him. But of course, Freddie knew better than that. ‘You don’t look too happy about it, dear.’

‘No, I _am_ happy about it. Belle was very nice,’ Brian said, still slightly rubbing the spot on his cheek, only increasing the size of the stain.

‘Come, let me help you with that…’ Freddie said as he leant in, wetting his fingers a little and bringing them up to the problem area. He saw how Brian froze and how his eyes fluttered at the touch of his hand, so Freddie took the opportunity to stroke his skin a little more as he wiped the lipstick off. Brian seemed to be holding his breath, looking at him with a soft glance in his eyes, and Freddie decided to go on with it for some more seconds. And as expected, Brian didn’t object.

‘So, that’s fixed,’ he eventually said as he pulled away, and Brian blinked at the loss of his touch.

‘Oh. Yes, eh… Thank you,’ Brian said, shifting his chair a little uneasily.

‘Anything else besides lipstick on your cheek? Maybe lipstick on other places of your body?’

‘What? N-no, I didn’t- _we_ didn’t… You know I’m not like that, Freddie,’ Brian stammered, the blush creeping up his cheeks not indicating that Belle and he had somehow gotten intimate during the break of the movie, but that he was ashamed that Freddie asked him something about his love life.

Yet, Freddie was thinking about something completely different.

_Oh, I know you’re not like that. The only way you would want to get lipstick on your dick was if I was to be wearing it._

But of course, he couldn’t say that, so all he said was: ‘Brian, dear, I’m just kidding. Tell me some more about your date.’ Brian coughed before he tried to tell as enthusiastically as possible about his evening, but Freddie could tell that his heart wasn’t in it when he started talking messily about everything but his girlfriend.

‘Yes, I’m glad the movie was nice dear,’ Freddie interrupted him after a while to ask after the only think that truly mattered – the question he was still hoping to get an honest answer to. ‘But how was Belle? Do you think you’ve finally found the one?’

Brian changed his position on his chair a little awkwardly, looking down at the tabletop. ‘It’s… I can’t really tell yet. She’s very nice, really. And she’s smart, kind. Good sense of humour. Pretty, too,’ he said calmly, as if he was describing the features of his new guitar instead of his girlfriend.

 _Bad metaphor,_ Freddie thought to himself. _He probably would have been way more excited about a new guitar than about a woman._

‘Yes… But?’ Freddie asked, waiting for more to come. He still couldn’t get over his imagination that made him hope Brian would suddenly slam his fist down the table and shout _‘For God’s sake, forget my bloody girlfriend and ask me out already.’_ But all that followed was a rather insecure shrug with and even more insecure smile and an _incredibly_ painful glance in Brian’s eyes.

‘I’m not sure, Freddie. I just have to think about how I feel about Belle. She really is nice, but…’

Freddie felt like he was going to vomit if he had to endure the word ‘nice’ once more, if he had to listen to weak answers once more, if he had to look at Brian struggling to keep up his act of straightness any longer. He let out a frustrated sigh that caught Brian’s attention.

‘Did I say something wrong?’

Freddie saw his window of opportunity, and before he could give himself the time about whether this was a good way of trying to get the truth out of his crush, he found himself already speaking the words. ‘You didn’t say something wrong. It’s more that you _avoid_ saying something, and therefore, you’re not being true to me, and most of all, not to yourself.’

‘What- what do you mean? I didn’t lie to you, I- it really was nice with Belle,’ Brian said, looking at him with those big, amber eyes, as if he was afraid of what was yet to come, yet curious about the next sentence. ‘What do you mean? Tell me.’

_Oh, God. What did I do? How do I talk myself out of this?_

_I can’t back out now. He wants an answer to his question, but I don’t want to break his heart-_

_Goddamnit, I can’t keep this façade up any longer. He’s gonna get a bloody answer to his question._

‘Brian, darling. Your dates are always _nice_ , they’re always _kind_ , they’re always _pretty_ or _smart_ or whatever. But time after time they’re not your kind of partner. And maybe… that might be because you’re not looking in the right kind of section.’

‘Right kind of section? Freddie, I like smart girls who can talk about their interests for hours-’

Freddie wasn’t in for excuses and made up explanations right now. ‘I meant that you might not be looking for the right _sort_ of people. Maybe you should put the girls aside for a moment, you know…’

‘And be single?’ Brian ignored the first part of Freddie’s statement and picked up the second half of it. ‘It might work, getting away from the dating business for a while…’ he said as if he was seriously contemplating the offer, and that was when Freddie lost it.

‘Brian. Harold. May. Stop pretending to be so _incredibly_ ignorant. What I meant is that you-‘ Freddie had to cut off his sentence to keep himself from saying something that Brian would see as hurtful, and he managed to blurt out something that covered the subject without being too harsh, ‘should stop looking for love in a girl and then you might find out that you’re not even attracted to them.’

Brian chewed on the inside of his cheek, a more than concerned expression on his face. ‘Not attracted to them?’

‘Yes,’ Freddie said a little impatiently. ‘Brian, darling, chances are that you never find yourself a nice girl because you’re simply not sexually attracted to them. And maybe, if you open up to it, you might find out that you’re into _guys_ instead.’

‘You mean, you think I- I might be… gay?’

‘Yes, dear. I think you might be gay. I think chances are pretty great that you are, in fact, gay.’

When the words had left his lips, Freddie literally felt a wave of relief washing over him, as if a heavy weight was finally falling off his shoulders. As if he could finally breathe again and not have to play along with this terrible game. But this feeling of relief disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Brian stared at him, blinking slowly, before he finally uttered a word, which was the oh so expected but oh so disappointing ‘no’.

‘Brian, it’s fine if you are. You might just need some time to discover it, accept it, get over it-’

‘What? No,’ Brian said again, looking completely overwhelmed with this accusation. ‘Yes, it _is_ fine, for _other_ people. But I’m not gay. It doesn’t apply to me.’

‘Dear, I know it’s hard to admit it. I had the same mixed emotions about it at first, so had Roger, and so had John. You just need some time to think about it, and maybe then you’ll realise that you might have been fooling yourself all the time. It doesn’t matter that you’ve dated all those girls and now find out that you might have never really been in love with them because-’

‘Don’t say it, Freddie. I’m not,’ Brian whispered in that awfully quiet, held-back voice. ‘I do like girls, I really like them.’

‘But you’ve never really _loved_ them, now have you? And maybe that’s because you simply can’t. Maybe it’s because you might love guys.’

All Brian could do was shake his head weakly at this statement.

‘And maybe you’ve somehow known that all the time. Maybe you’ve oppressed your feelings,’ Freddie said, and in that very moment, he thought he saw tears sparkling in his friend’s eyes, and he reached out to place his hand on Brian’s. ‘Tell me. Maybe you’ve just never wanted to admit it to yourself. But maybe you found yourself thinking about boys. Maybe you already love someone out there. Tell me, Brian. You know you can tell me anything.’

Brian looked at Freddie’s black nail-polished finger nails for a mere second, and for that one second Freddie was hoping that he might say something, _anything_ that would indicate what they had all known all the time, but then Brian withdrew his hand and ran the back of it along his eyes, wiping out any evidence sudden tears might have left behind.

‘I have nothing to tell you. I’m straight, I really am. I like girls and I’m not into guys.’

‘Brian…’ Freddie sighed as he saw new tears brimming in the guitarist’s eyes.

‘I’m going to bed,’ Brian whispered hoarsely whilst he stood up, but Freddie prevented him from leaving by grabbing the sleeve of his shirt.

‘I’m not going to let you go when you’re about to cry. I’m your friend and you know you don’t have to hide anything from me.’

‘I don’t- don’t have anything to hide. I’m just tired and I’m not in for this conversation and I’m most of all not gay. Goodnight, Freddie,’ Brian whispered, and Freddie reluctantly let go of him, catching the last sparkle of tears in his eyes when Brian turned his face around and left the room.

# # #

Over the following days, weeks, Freddie didn’t dare to bring up the subject again, not wanting to hurt or make Brian cry again. But he didn’t miss the way it was getting harder and harder for Brian to put up his usual façade every time Belle came over, every time she called, every time he left to go to her place. He was getting sadder with every passing day, though he tried not to let the band show this. But of course, it was impossible to hide such a broken sate of being from your years long crush.

To Freddie’s surprise and relief, Brian didn’t seem to be mad at him, didn’t ignore him or gave curt answers to his questions – he was just acting as normal as possible, but the loving look in his eyes that Freddie would sometimes see when Brian didn’t think he was looking at him had traded placed with a pleading glance, as if he was wordlessly asking him _‘please don’t start about it again, please don’t do that to me.’_ So therefore Freddie didn’t, even though he wanted to know more than ever before what the reason was why Brian didn’t want to talk about the subject. Still, for Brian’s sake, he decided not to bother him with it and just wait till a good moment for the topic would arrive.

And that highly needed moment was about three weeks after their nightly encounter.

It was eight o’clock in the evening and whilst Roger was laying with his head in John’s lap, the two boys engaged in watching a TV programme about music of the 1950s, Freddie was trying his very best not to think about how badly he wanted to be here with Brian, laying on the couch next to him, mindlessly playing with his hair, telling him how much he loved him and how much he loved being with him. But as expected, Brian had fled out of the house for the evening and he was probably not going to come back before midnight, assuming that he wasn’t going to stay the night at Belle’s place. Most of times he managed to go home before the night would fall down, and with ‘night’ he meant ‘getting intimate with a girl,’ because God knew that was the last thing Brian was waiting for. He could already see the pain in Brian’s eyes when he had to do as much as hold a girl’s hand or give her a kiss, let alone that he had to stay there till dawn.

Freddie sighed. He wanted Brian to come _home_ , he wanted to talk to him and finally get the bloody cards on the table. But he knew that even if Brian was to be stumbling into their apartment somewhere at half past twelve only to find him sitting at the kitchen table just like the last time they discussed the topic, he would look up at him with the most sorrowful expression, just the mere glance in his eyes begging Freddie not to start about his sexual preferences again.

And then Freddie wouldn’t. God, how he _hated_ pretending not to see that Brian needed to stop going out with girls and instead date a guy – and with ‘a guy’ he meant ‘Freddie’ – but he hated hurting Brian even more. And therefore, he would keep his mouth shut, even if this was against better judgement. He had crossed the line already and he wasn’t planning on doing that again.

It was as if John could read his mind, because suddenly, the bassist broke the silence with the words: ‘When Brian comes home tonight, or tomorrow if he doesn’t manage to escape from Belle’s grip, I want you to talk with him again.’

Freddie coughed, uneasily adjusting his seat. It wasn’t very often that John became commanding, so when he did, he was rather serious about it. But still, Freddie couldn’t obey to his orders, even though he wanted to so badly. ‘There’s nothing to talk about. He doesn’t want to.’

‘He has to. We can’t go on like this, Fred. Did you see that look in his eyes when he left this evening? That mixture of pain and yet affection for you? It’s going to break me if I have to see it once again.’

John was such a poet at times, but Freddie didn’t mind it, for what he said was true. ‘It’s breaking me down already. God, I really want to talk to him, but only if he wants that, too. Otherwise there’s nothing I seem to be able to do. He looks at me as if I hung the moon, but then again he’s pushing me away when I want to talk about his love life. I don’t want to hurt him,’ Freddie said, the crack in his voice indicating that he was getting tired, so incredibly _tired_ from keeping up appearances.

Just when John wanted to open his mouth to say something, the sound of the door being opened and slammed shut filled the apartment and cut off his sentence. The three of them looked up – it wasn’t like Brian to enter the house like this. And it _certainly_ wasn’t like Brian to walk past the living room without greeting them, his face turned away in order not to look at them, making his way to his bedroom as quickly as possible.

‘Brian?’ Freddie swung his legs off the rain of the chair, standing up quickly, but Brian shook his head.

‘Not now,’ he said hoarsely, and Freddie could hear that he had been crying – or maybe, he still was.

‘Brian, stay here. What happened to you?’ the frontman asked calmly, sweetly, but by the time the last words left his lips, Brian had already disappeared around the door to the hallway, involuntarily letting Freddie catching a last glimpse of him wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Freddie stood transfixed, as if someone slapped him in the face, and also Roger and John seemed to be confused by this mentality of Brian’s. Brian sure was sensitive, but he never cried – at least, not to their knowledge.  Something was definitely wrong, and Freddie signed up to go find out what it was.

‘I’m going after him,’ Freddie announced, ignoring Roger’s remark that they might have to leave him for a moment, and he strode out of the room, over to the hallway, until he was standing in front of Brian’s bedroom. He took in a deep breath before he knocked on the door.

‘Brian?’ _No reaction._ ‘Brian? It’s me, Freddie. Answer me.’ _Still no reaction_. ‘Please. I know you’re in here and I know you’re crying. I want to help you,’ Freddie heard his own voice die out, but he was sure Brian had heard him, even though he was still getting no reply. ‘I’m coming in, Brian,’ he notified after listening to the sound of silence for another moment. He opened the door and peered around it discretely. The room was dimly enlightened by Brian’s desk light; the curtains were closed, his desktop was covered under a pile of albums and music magazines, pieces of clothing were shattered randomly around the ground, several guitars in guitar stands were stacked against the opposite wall.

But that was all unimportant, all minor details, because there, on the crappily made bed was Brian, crawled into a closed position, his face covered with his hands. And _God_ , Freddie thought having to endure that empty, miserable look on Brian’s face every day was saddening, but seeing his crush crying was simply heartbreaking.

‘Brian… Oh God, wha- what happened to you?’ Freddie found himself stammering, but Brian could only shake his head as he sobbed. And so, Freddie found himself being next to the bed, crouched down in front of Brian in less than a second, wrapping his arms around the guitarist. At first, he was afraid Brian was going to pull away from his grip, but his tense body weakened in his arms after mere seconds, and he surrendered to the comfort Freddie way trying to supply him.

‘What happened, dear?’ Freddie asked after a minute, when Brian’s crying was reduced to an erratic sobbing, when the younger boy seemed to be able to give him a reply. And so he did, for a chance.

‘I… I broke up with Belle,’ he announced between two sobs, then covered his face with his hands again. Freddie sat down next to him on the bed, wrapping an arm around his back and pulling him closer again, but at the same time he was more than confused by the reaction the breakup of his friend had caused Brian. He had never been this sad about a broken relationship, he had ever cried over it. For a second Freddie was starting to think that Brian might have really loved her, and he felt incredibly guilty about his accusation of Brian being gay some weeks ago, even though he couldn’t picture that Brian had really been in love with Belle. He felt a wave of relief flowing through his veins when Brian confirmed these thoughts.

‘I couldn’t be w-with her at the moment. She was so nice but… but I think you were right. I liked her. But I-I didn’t love her. And it’s not fair to b-be with someone you don’t love,’ Brian sobbed, and Freddie caressed his back when Brian continued talking, dimly hoping Brian would now finally give in and disclose his sexual preference, as well as his crush on him. He was hoping Brian would do that so incredibly badly, but he decided to just let him talk and not interrupt him.

‘I don’t know what to do, Freddie. Sin-since you last talked to me, I’ve been so… s-s confused…’ Brian whispered, more teardrops dripping off his eyelashes when he closed his eyes. Freddie wiped them off his face, taking the opportunity to rub his cheek soothingly, then withdrew his hand because it wasn’t the right moment. ‘I don’t know what t-to do with myself a-anymore. I’m just clueless.’

‘But why then, dear?’ Freddie asked as if he didn’t know. He felt bad for messing with Brian’s emotions, but he reminded himself to the other side of the story: He hadn’t exactly messed with his feelings, he was just trying to make him open up for him and help him realise that being gay was not at all a problem. Not that this thought comforted him when Brian started sobbing again, though.

‘Because you… You said you thought I-I was… _gay_ ,’ Brian whispered as if it was a forbidden word, ‘and I- I don’t think I am. But I don’t think I-I’ve ever truly been I love with a girl either… And don’t know if I’ve been lying t-to myself all the time.’

 _You still are lying to yourself,_ Freddie thought with pure heartache, but he decided not to start about that and instead caressed his back once more. He held Brian until he was sure he wasn’t going to cry anymore, and he looked up hopefully when the guitarist picked up the conversation again.

‘But don’t think I didn’t like those girls, Freddie. Belle was real- really the nicest girl I’ve ever met…’ he said gloomily. ‘I wish I could be with her, but it w-wouldn’t be fair if I don’t love her. Not like that, at least.’ Silence for moments, before Brian turned to Freddie. ‘But Freddie, I don’t think- I don’t want to be with a guy either.’

Freddie felt his heart shatter at this remark, but he swallowed painfully to keep himself together and then saw the opportunity to say something. ‘Don’t you like guys or don’t you _want_ to like guys?’

But even now, now he was in his honesty hour, now he was finally opening up a little bit, Brian still managed to avoid answering this question with a direct reply. ‘I don’t know. I just- I don’t think I could e-ever… God, if life continues like this I don’t think I can ever know what I want,’ Brian said. Then, there was just silence for minutes. Silence, quietness, soundlessness, until Brian suddenly sighed and leant back to rest his head on the pillow, pulling the duvet up to his hips. ‘I’m just tired and I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore.’

‘Is there anything I can do for you, dear?’ Freddie said, and he met Brian’s eyes, that were now full of hope and expectance by hearing this. Those two amber eyes said everything Freddie wanted to hear: _Lie next to me. Stay with me. Be with me._ But of course, Brian’s words told him otherwise. ‘No, it’s fine. I just want to sleep and… and never wake up again,’ staring at the ceiling in the semi-darkness. ‘You can leave, Freddie. I meant, not to be rude, but… but I need to be alone.’

‘Are you sure you want me to leave…?’ Freddie asked, and to his disappointment, Brian nodded.

‘I need time t-to think, though I hate thinking at the moment...’

Freddie begrudgingly walked over to the desk and shut the desk light, then tried not to trip over a random pair of shoes on the floor as he walked back to the bed, where he tapped comfortingly on the duvet. ‘It’ll be fine. You have all the time to think about it. But first get a bit of rest, okay?’ He could see the contours of Brian’s messy curls going up and down, indicating that he was nodding at him. ‘Tell me when you need me, even if it’s in the middle of the night. Take good care of yourself, dear.’ Freddie stood up and walked out of the dark room, and in the beam of light he exposed by opening the door, he could see Brian staring blankly at the ceiling, a tear dripping from his eye towards his ear, and Freddie had to oppress the urge to run back into the room and grab Brian by the collar of his shirt and kiss him, simply kiss him and never let his lips go of him, but he knew he couldn’t do that now, so he treaded into the hallway and left the broken guitarist behind with more pain in his heart than he expected it to cause him.

Yet, there was a small light shining in the darkles. Brian hadn’t given in to his actual feelings yet. But this surely was a start – he was starting to contemplate the idea that he might not be into girls. That he didn’t yet want to accept that he liked guys, was something Freddie took for granted at the moment  – it already was a huge change to his attitude weeks earlier – the attitude he had carried around for all his life, actually. All he needed was a little bit of help. And maybe, just maybe, with a little help of John and Roger, Freddie had the perfect way to help him.

# # #

And as expected, when John and Roger heard the story, followed by Freddie’s idea, they were all too happy to help him putting it into practice. They waited a few days, until Brian’s sad mood had cleared up a little bit again, and then the two of them decided to go for it on a Tuesday morning.

‘Good morning, Curls,’ Roger said as John and he walked into the kitchen at seven AM, where Brian was sitting at the table to eat his breakfast. The guitarist waved at them in a short movement to make clear than he couldn’t talk with his mouth full of breakfast.

‘Bri, have you got anything to do this Friday evening?’ John asked him right away. Brian chewed on his cornflakes for some seconds, frowning lightly, probably thinking about what responsibilities he had on the first day of the upcoming weekend. Then he casually covered his mouth with his hand to avoid pieces of cereals flying around the room when he answered: ‘No, nothing I can think of. Why?’

John smiled and draped his arm around Roger’s hip. ‘We want to go on a blind double date with you and a date for you.’

Brian swallowed his cornflakes; maybe because it was a natural reflex, but probably because of the suddenness of this announcement. ‘Wait, what did you say? Double date? What? I mean, with who?’

‘One thing at the time, lad. What? A blind double date, with the three of us and a date for you. Where? We’ll find ourselves a nice restaurant. Who? I can’t tell you, that’s the main principle of a blind date.’

‘What? But how can I go out with someone I don’t even know?’

‘That’s easy. Apart from what they look like, you don’t know anything when you walk up to a person in a club, isn’t?’ John reminded him.

Brian chewed on the inside of his cheek. ‘Guys, it’s very nice that you’re trying to cheer me up, but you know I’m not exactly feeling very good the last time…’

‘And that’s why you need a nice date!’ Roger piped up. ‘Come on Brian, you’ll surely love it.’

‘I’m not sure if I’m ready to go out with a new girl,’ Brian sighed, and Roger and John smirked at each other, whispering an almost inaudible _‘that’s exactly the point’_ at each other.

‘It’s just a date. It’s not like you’re not getting married right after,’ Roger said, and Brian smiled a not so sincere smile. ‘You don’t even have to see it as a date. Just a nice evening between four people. Nothing more, nothing less, if you like that better.’

‘I… You know, maybe I should go, in that case, but I still don’t think it’s that good of an idea… But, you know, if you two are there as well, it might be a nice evening- maybe…’

Brian was heavily in doubt, but Roger saw his window of opportunity and put his hands against each other, as if he was going to pray. ‘Please, Brian. Go with us on this date, otherwise I’m left alone with _this_! You can’t do that to me!’ he begged whilst he nodded at John, who gave him an indignant poke against his shoulder, yet couldn’t hold back a smile because Roger’s pleads were having the required effect on their victim.

‘Well, alright then, if you insist. But what about Freddie? Don’t we have to find him a date and invite him too?’ Brian asked as he took another spoonful of his milk and softened cornflakes, making a grimace. But the face he was making was not the reason why John and Roger grinned, even though it might have been a great cover-up if they hadn’t been as sly as they were, if they hadn’t managed to wash the smug smiles off their faces right before Brian looked up again.

John could hear Freddie’s voice in his head – he could hear what he would have said if he was here with them right now, instead of already being busy searching for the right outfit for this Friday.

 _Oh darling,_ he would have said.

_If the poor thing only knew I’m invited as well._

Somehow, John managed to push all these naughty plans and arrangements Freddie and them had made away, and answer Brian with the most neutral, most innocent expression on his face.

‘No, we don’t. Freddie is already occupied on Friday night.’


	2. Let Me Step Inside

The days of the week dragged by, so incredibly slowly for John and Roger, who were getting more and more excited about the nearing of the double date. But for Brian, their not-so-voluntarily-participating-volunteer, the inevitable event was nearing way too quickly. He was not at all ready to go out with someone again, and even though John and Roger told him that it was nothing more than a get-together between four people, he got more and more nervous every morning he woke up only to find the time passing faster than he wished for it to do, every time the clock in the living room announced that another hour was over. And before he knew it, it was Friday afternoon five o’clock and Brian found himself sitting shirtless on the edge of his bed in his room, staring at the two shirts he was holding in hands – a black one and a one he thought had a white and blue pattern on it, but he wasn’t so sure since he had picked up the shirts at random, and he was too nervous to really take a good look at his outfit-to-be.

He couldn’t focus. The only thing he could focus was the upcoming date they would head off to in only ten minutes time, and he knew he was definitely not ready to go for it. He needed more time to figure out what he wanted.

 _Cut the bullshit, May,_ he thought to himself. _You don’t need more time to figure out what you want. You know so damn well what you want, and what you want is Freddie Mercury. You only need more time to figure out how not to show the world your forbidden desires._

Brian sighed and he threw the two shirts aside, covering his face with his hands. His mind games about his sexual orientation were breaking him up lately. Though back then, he had never really been head over heels for someone, he had always had this feeling that he preferred guys over girls since he was fifteen or sixteen years old. But he knew his friends and especially his family wouldn’t accept it in a hundred thousand years. At the time, he was afraid his father would beat him up and kick him out of the house, he was afraid friends would let him down, he was afraid coming out might ruin his career in astrophysics. For God’s sake, back then, homosexuality was even _forbidden_ , punishable by law, so he had every single reason to just push the thoughts of a future with a guy instead of with a girl out of his mind. And just like that, he occasionally went out with girls, trying his best to fall in love with them, and he promised himself to conform to society’s standards of living.

But slowly, the reasons for staying in the closet faded away. He moved out of his parent’s house. Homosexuality was taken out of the Penal Code and was legalised. Equality movements came up and people’s attitude towards gays changed.

People’s attitudes changed, yes. But his attitude didn’t. He was still terrified of coming out, terrified of getting beaten up by his father and getting shunned by the rest of his family, most of his friends, society. So he decided to carry on with his lifestyle of pretending to be straight, which was, underneath all the quiet whispers in his head that this wasn’t going to work out for the rest of his life, basically a natural state of being after having practiced it for years and years.

‘Being’ straight went as well as it could possibly go under the circumstances; he barely thought about coming out, until he met a certain young guy called ‘Roger Taylor’ who saw absolutely no reasons to hide his love for both women, men, people of questionable gender. It didn’t matter to him; if Roger decided that he fancied someone, he’d have the person, simple as that. Brian was kind of jealous of him for this go-with-the-flow attitude, but this envy didn’t manage to pull him over the line and make him come out – he just stayed exactly where he was. As expected. As promised. As socially desired.

And then, when Brian thought he was finally growing into liking girls, when he felt like he could, in fact, live a heterosexual life if he tried his very best, all these feelings and assumptions and years of trying to fit into society’s standards were shattered into tiny pieces when he met this one Freddie Mercury. Freddie, with his beautiful long, dark hair, his gorgeous features, the cutest smile, the sweetest personality. Freddie, shy yet confident, reticent yet flamboyant. The contradictions that the Persian boy seemed to carry out to the world were confusing, but there was one Brian was absolutely sure of: He was unchangeably, unmodifiably, irreversibly head over heels for Freddie, and he had been ever since. God, if it hadn’t happened to himself, he wouldn’t have believed that it was scientifically possible to fall _this_ hard for someone, to be attracted _this_ intensely to someone, to have feelings _this_ strong for someone.

_But you can’t give in to these feelings. Not now, not later, not ever. You know the world still won't accept it if you come out. Focus on this stupid date, pay attention to the girl, and most of all, act straight. Admitting that you’re gay isn’t going to work out well, let alone admitting that you’re gay for one of your best friends._

Brian sighed and tried to distract himself with something, _anything_ , and all he had at the moment was one of the shirts he was holding in hands. In his mental absence and his state of uncertainty, he had involuntarily kneaded the black shirt with his hands, and now it looked more like a crumpled rag than a piece of clothing, let alone a garment he could wear to a date.

‘Brian, are you almost ready?’

Brian awoke from his thoughts with a start when John burst through the door, and he quickly tried to cover his bare chest with the creased shirt.

‘John! A simple knock on the door would have done!’ he gasped, but John just looked at his friend and chuckled in amusement.

‘God, I know you refuse buttoning up your shirts all the way to your neck, but going bare-chested was not something I had accounted for. I’m sure it’ll impress your date, though.’

 _Your date. Your date._ That was something that was getting on Brian’s nerves as well: his companies literally didn’t want to reveal a single detail about his date, no matter how many times he asked them or begged them or even threatened them not to go if they didn’t tell him. But they just looked at each other with those stupid smirks plastered on their lips as they would tell him one again that he was going to find out what his date was like very soon. They tried to pretend this way of treating the date was nice, because it would be a surprise for him to see who was going to turn up, but at the moment, Brian wasn’t really in for surprises. And having John walking in on him being shirtless wasn’t really a nice incidental, either.

Brian didn’t dare to face John as he blushed heavily. ‘I wasn’t done yet, I…’ _I don’t want to go. I’m done dating girls. I don’t even like girls that way but I’m so afraid of getting rejected when I come out. I hate pretending to be like this but I can’t change it because I’m terrified of exposing myself to the world. I hate pretending to be like this but it’s almost a natural state of being after all these years – or at least, a safe state of being._ ‘I was just looking for the right shirt,’ Brian finished his sentence in an ashamed mumble, spreading both the blue and the black shirt out on the bed. He fumbled around with the buttons of the crumpled shirt, doing his very best to avoid having to face John, who was still standing in the doorway of his bedroom.

As if John felt this feeling of discomfort as well, he adjusted his stance to lean against the doorpost as he asked: ‘Are you alright?’

 _God, John, of course I’m not alright. But this is just about the worst moment to admit that._ ‘Yes, yes, yes, q-quite fine. I just don’t know what to wear,’ Brian stammered in a reflex.

‘Just pick something, Brian. Are you really worried that your date will care about the colour of your shirt – Where are you going?’ John asked in confusion as Brian suddenly jumped up from the bed.

‘I- I think I’m  gonna ask Freddie, he’s good with fashion, you know,’ Brian blurted out as he paced to the door, but John halted him from passing through it by stepping right in front of the doorpost.

‘Freddie isn’t here anymore, he left the house an hour ago. He had plans for Friday night, remember?’ John informed him and Brian felt his heart sink in. He needed Freddie’s help at the moment – whether it was just for fashion aid or for moral support. He needed him just to walk in to his room and talk about things a little bit, just like they always did. Freddie always managed to calm him down with every date he had. Brian was always nervous before dates: Freddie probably assumed it was just because he was shy around girls. And that certainly was part of it – he was, in fact, shy in general. But the biggest part of his nervousness was that every time he was going to go out with a girl he knew he could never fall in love with, for the simple fact that Freddie was the only one for him, whether he was going to admit that to the world or not. And especially now, now he didn’t even get to choose the girl himself, he was down on his nerves.

Also, the fact that Roger and John didn’t want to disclose even the slightest detail about his date, such as her name, her age, her interests, wasn’t making it any better. All they ever said was ‘ _we can’t tell you’ ‘you’ll see’_ and the ever-promising _‘I’m sure you’ll love your date,’_ which only put even more pressure and tension on the already stressed out-guitarist.

_Yes, Brian needed Freddie for sure right now. Freddie’s comforting words always managed to lift him up a little bit, to go through another date, another relationship, another romance that was doomed to fail as long as it wasn’t with Freddie._

Brian was brought back to reality as put his hand on Brian’s shaking shoulders. ‘God, Brian, you’re trembling! Are you sure you’re alright? Have you caught a fever?’ John asked, sounding genuinely worried, now placing his hand on Brian’s forehead, which felt quite normal qua temperature.

 _Yes, I’ve caught a Freddie-fever,_ Brian thought to himself, but he quickly replied with a shaky: ‘No, no, I’m just nervous. There’s n-nothing wrong with me,’ as he lulled his head away from John’s touch, turning around and grabbing the blue shirt to distract himself with, quickly throwing it around his shoulder. He wished John could just keep quiet so they could go to the bloody restaurant, celebrate whatever the concept of a so-called ‘double blind date’ was and then leave so he could go home and jump right into bed to _sleep_ , just to _sleep_ for a very long time, until he would wake up with the perfect solution for his don’t-ask-don’t-tell way of living. But unfortunately, Roger had heard John’s rather loud and rather worried words, and in no time he was standing right next to his boyfriend.

‘Is there something wrong with Brian?’ he asked John insecurely, and the bassist frowned.

‘He’s probably just nervous. Isn’t, Brian?’ John asked, and Brian was both unhappy and glad at the same time with this downplay of the situation. He nodded softly in agreement while focussing on the buttons of his shirt.

‘Yes, I’m just nervous. That’s all,’ he choked out the last two words in the hope they wouldn’t question him any further, because he wasn’t so sure about how long he would be able to keep up the façade now that his friends were prying right into his heart, which seemed to be on his sleeve at the moment. His heart longed to sit them down on the bed and tell them why he wasn’t in for this date, tell him that he had never wanted to go out with all those girls, tell them he had to know where Freddie had gone so he could go after him. But as usual, his mind told him how _stupid_ that would be, how _stupid_ it would be to come out and ruin his career and his friendships and his relationship with his family, how _stupid_ it would be to throw away the wall he had managed to build up around his sexuality. And as usual, his mind managed to convince him not to utter a single word that would indicate that he wasn’t straight.

Weeks ago, Freddie had been the only one who had managed to get him past that border of self-protectiveness, and he wasn’t planning on doing that again. _It’s better for everyone if I just stay the way they think they know me,_ he tried to convince himself once again.

‘Guys, I’m fine. Go get your coats, I’ll be with you in a minute,’ he said mindlessly, and the two boys shared a worried glance before they left the room.

‘Sometimes we can’t do what our heart tells us, and then we have to do what’s logical,’ Brian mumbled, while running his hand through his hair a last time, not having a single clue that this view of life he’d been desperately clinging onto ever since he had met Freddie, would soon be destroyed. 

# # #

‘We have to cross the road here, folks, and then just walk past this street and then we’ll be at the restaurant,’ John told them, and Brian was brought back into present time when Roger let out a cry of excitement.

‘God, we’re almost there! Aren’t you excited?’ Roger called out over his shoulder to Brian, who was obediently following the couple close behind as they walked past the cold, dark streets of London. It was half February, but the sun had gone down already to leave a slumbering darkness behind in the almost empty suburbs of the city, and the fact that the temperature had dropped below zero wasn’t really helping to set a good mood – not to say that to Brian, the gloomy weather only added up to his low level of excitement and high level of stress.

‘Of course, Roger,’ Brian replied matter-of-factly, his eyes focussed on John and Roger’s entangled fingers. He secretly wished Freddie was here to hold his freezing hands, but he quickly waved the idea away and buried his numb fingers in the pockets of his trenchcoat. ‘ _The sooner we’re there, the sooner it’ll be over_ ,’ he mumbled under his breath while he slavishly followed Roger and John down the endless pavement, trying to oppress the tendency to hide behind a tree and run off, back to the apartment, and pretend like this whole day – including this date – had never existed.

‘God, I can barely wait. Are we almost there?’ Roger asked, and John nodded.

‘Just a few minutes away. It’s around the corner of this street,’ Brian heard the bassist say, and he felt himself growing more and more nervous with every step they took, every lamppost they passed, every time he realised they were getting closer and closer to their destination, to the point where the couple in front of his stood still in front of a small, classic building with an Asian touch to it.

‘A Japanese restaurant? How nice! I never knew there was one in this part of town,’ Roger said in wonderment to no one in general, and even Brian had to admit that it looked very nice as his eyes travelled up and down the restaurant. The large windows were decorated with red-and-black patterned cotton curtains draped around the sides. Off-white crepe paper lanterns with red peony patterns were swinging lightly from the façade in the February breeze. A small, pink, orchid tree in a black marble pot adorned either side of the wood-framed door. A very accurate Asian representation, if Brian remembered the restaurants of their recent Japan tour correctly, and for a short moment it managed to soothe his insecurity about the whole event.

‘Very nice indeed. We should take Freddie here sometimes,’ he contemplated as his fingers ran lightly over the surface of the dragon statue.

‘Yes, we should. We’ll take him here as soon as possible,’ John said, and Brian caught just the last glimpse of the sly smirk he exchanged with Roger as they treaded up the small stairs. John gracefully opened the door for his boyfriend before he turned to look at Brian, who was still staring at the eye catchers of the restaurant.

‘Are you coming?’ he asked, and Brian nodded servilely after seconds,  walking up the stairs to follow the couple. As the door fell close behind John, Brian knew the point of no return was upon him.

# # #

For a beautiful restaurant as this one, it was awfully quiet and uncrowded; just a small group of business men and a few couples had booked a table for the evening. But Brian wasn’t at all complaining – for him, having to look at the lovebirds who were happily sitting together at their table-for-two was awful enough.  Not to even mention how he dreaded to have to spend the evening with John and Roger being genuinely in love with each other while he had to pretend to be happy with whoever was his date tonight. And once again, it wasn’t because of the more than infatuated John and Roger (though having to watch them kissing all night surely added up to his reluctance), it wasn’t the fault of the girl who was going to accompany him tonight. It was just that nor his friends, not his date, nor anyone in this restaurant could compare to Freddie. God, Queen Elizabeth II could walk in at the moment and still all he would think about was their frontman, think about what he was doing right now, wondering if Freddie was thinking about him as well.

_Stop it, May. Stop thinking about him. You can’t have him and you never will. Don’t even think about going up to him and telling him about your feelings, and with that, about your sexual orientation. Focus on this night, your date, this restaurant. It doesn’t matter. As long as it keeps you from thinking about Freddie._

So in the light of trying to distract himself, Brian followed Roger and John to the bar, where the bassist was greeted by a young, Japanese woman, whose traditional red and white kimono flowed gracefully around her slender body.

‘Hello, I placed a reservation on the name of John Deacon and Roger Taylor,’ John announced, and the girl picked up a clipboard, trailing her finger down along the paper until it rested at their names.

‘Yes, I see. Deacon and Taylor, reservation for four at six o’clock. Follow me, please,’ she said with a slightly audible Asian accent in her soft voice, and she took the three of them on a tour to what seemed to be the furthest corner of the restaurant, before she finally stood still in front of a low, wooden table with to woven pillows at either side of it. ‘Here is your table. Excuse me for asking, but I see here that you ordered for four people…’ she asked a little shyly, as if she felt like it was none of her business yet still wanted to find out what the reason was of the reduced number of guests.

‘Yes, that’s right. We set him up with a blind date that yet has to arrive,’ John said, and Brian didn’t have to look up from the oriental paintings at the wall to know John was pointing at him.

‘Oh, I understand! Would you like to have a drink for now?’ the hostess asked whilst two of her guests knelt down on the floor at either sides of the table, Brian still standing next to them a little awkwardly, lost in his own thoughts. John ordered a glass of red wine for Roger, him and the mysterious date, but he had to call out to Brian thrice before the guitarist clumsily answered with an absent-minded ‘I’ll have what you have.’

‘That makes another red wine. Don’t mind him, he’s just a little nervous. He’s never been on a blind date before,’ John smiled shyly at the woman.

_Yes, and guess whose fault it is that I’m nervous. The only time people manage to convince me to go out on a stupid blind date, you two are acting like my date is a state secret that cannot even be mentioned until the very moment she’ll arrive, Brian thought melancholically._

‘I hope she’ll soon show up to make him get rid of his nerves,’ the woman said kindly, looking at Brian, who didn’t seem to be in the mood to face anyone. ‘Good, back to business, then. Four red wine…’ she said hastily, scribbling the words down on a notepad. ‘I’ll soon send a waitress to bring your order. Have a nice evening, gentlemen,’ the hostess said with a light bow, and Brian sighed.

_A nice night. I’d rather get out of here. I’d rather be home right now. I’d rather be in bed right now._

_I’d rather be wherever Freddie is right now._

_Stop it, Brian. Get him out of your head. Your date can be here any moment and you’ll indeed have to be a gentleman towards her._

‘Brian, allow me to kindly inform you that you have a right to sit down,’ Roger said to his quiet friend, and Brian blinked several times before it got to him what Roger had just said to him. He coughed uneasily as he got down next to John, sitting cross-legged on the pillow, fiddling around with the serviette that was artistically folded into an origami creature whilst John and Roger lost themselves in a discussion about the newest Led Zeppelin album.

‘So, Brian. How was your week? Have you been looking forward to this night?’ John asked in an attempt to keep the conversation between Brian and them going, but Brian shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Is Belle still on your mind?’ John assumed, but Brian shook his head slowly.

_Freddie is on my mind, even though I’m trying so hard not to think about him. He always is on my mind and always will be – his eyes, his smile, his voice, his everything. Everything heaven forbid me to think about._

‘Yes. No, not really. Maybe. What exactly were you asking?’ Brian asked to win a little more time in order not to have to answer the question right away, taking advantage of the waitress walking up to them with their drinks, looking at her to avoid having to face John.

‘I asked if you’ve been looking forward to tonight – yes, thank you,’ John smiled to the waitress when she placed the glasses on the table. ‘How do you feel about having a blind date for the first time?’ John asked as if being dragged into a restaurant to meet up with a random date you’d never met before was a nice thing, but Brian couldn’t see the fun in the situation.

‘I, uhm…’ Brian stared at the glass of wine in front of him, that suddenly looked even better now he felt like he was being interrogated. He picked it up between his slightly shaking thumb,- and forefinger and he threw his head back as he downed half of the glass in just one swig.

‘Wow, calm down, lad!’ Roger chuckled as he leant over the table to release the glass from Brian’s fingertips. ‘Bri, your hands are twitching. There’s no need to be nervous like this!’

‘Yeah, it’s easy for you to say that. You’re here with your boyfriend, safe and sound in a relationship, making a game out of not telling me anything about the girl you managed to talk into doing this,’ Brian’s voice trailed off as he saw John and Roger exchanging that specifically confusing glance that was making Brian feel like they were hiding a horribly amusing secret from him, before John placed his hand on his shoulder.

‘Brian, just relax. Your date will be here any moment, so soon you’ll have all the time to find out all about the person we set you up with. It’s almost six o’clock.’

‘But why not tell me something about her?’ Brian said whilst he reached out for his class again, but Roger hit his hand away.

‘Uh-uh, you’re not getting it now. We don’t want you to get drunk before you’ve even met your date. We’re not telling you anything because that would spoil the surprise!’ Roger said cheerfully, which made Brian want to punch him even more than he had done before. But, regarding the fact that his hands really were shaking, he had to use his words instead of his fists.

‘But Rog, please! Just one single detail. A name. An age. An interest. _Anything_.’ He heard how whiny he sounded, how desperate for a clue that might soothe his nervousness a little bit, but it didn’t seem to affect the couple, who kept insisting that it was better to let him find out all about his soon-to-be-company himself.

After having continued this discussion for several minutes, Brian eventually gave in to the mystery his friends wanted to keep him into and he played with the small basket of krupuk a waitress had put down on their table. But he couldn’t keep his eyes off the clock on the wall opposite of him; he looked in agony at every minute that passed, not missing a mere second, wanting this torture to be over as soon as possible yet not wanting to have to face whoever he was set up with for the night either. He was confused, he was in doubt, he was once again clueless about what he wanted, apart from the one thing he was sure he wanted but from what he was positive he could never have, he would never _allow_ himself to have in order to protect himself from the people around him.

_Give this date a chance, Brian. You’ll have to stick up with girls for the rest of your life. Get used to it. You were used to it before Freddie turned up. All you have to do is get him out of your mind and get back to being straight. Pretend to be straight. Make yourself straight, Goddamnit-_

Brian’s eyes trailed towards the clock once again, only to notice that it was five past six. Six past six, if you wanted to be precise, and besides worrying about how he had to behave once his date would show up, Brian didn’t really have anything to do but precisely watching the minutes pass. He let his eyes flicker through the restaurant for a brief moment, glancing shortly at the small clans of people around them.

The group of business men who were just about to leave. Three girls sitting at the table by the window, enthusiastically chatting about their latest yoga class. A waitress walking around with plates of food. An elderly man and wife who were quietly discussing the menu with each other. A young, Asian couple at the table across theirs, the loving way the guy was holding the girl’s hands in his making Brian long for someone doing that to him. Making him long for Freddie to do that to him. He shook his head almost invisibly to himself to get rid of that thought, trying to focus on the clock again. Seven past six. John and Roger were still talking to each other about the latest trends in music, not paying attention to his more than distressed state. He fumbled around with the piece of krupuk he had crumbled into powder as he followed the events in the restaurant from the corners of his eyes. The business men followed the hostess towards the bar. Another waitress walked in with a single customer at her side. Brian vaguely noticed how she pointed at their direction, heard a strangely familiar voice calling out a sincere _‘thank you, dear,’_ before the unmistakable sound of footsteps of platform heels nearing, and Brian knew it could only possible be one person.

‘Freddie?’ he asked as he looked up at his friend, who was walking towards their table; John and Roger dropped their conversation and faced their band member as well to greet him. ‘God, how did you end up here?’ Brian asked, feeling his cheeks starting to turn red now that his crush had suddenly walked in on them. He let his eyes travel over Freddie – he looked gorgeous, as ever. His long, black hair was perfectly imperfect, his eyeliner was right on point and his fashion choice - - made Brian practically unable to keep his eyes off him, even though he knew he shouldn’t look at him quite like this.

‘Hello dears, sorry it took me so long!’ Freddie apologised, and Brian couldn’t keep his eyes off him as he ran his hand through his hair and casually shook his off his coat, obviously trying his very best to hide something behind the heavy fabric of his jacket as he put it down next to him, but Brian couldn’t quite make out what it was; he had seen something green, but he couldn’t tell for sure. All he knew for sure at the moment that he was absolutely overwhelmed by Freddie’s both appearance that was both welcome,- and unwelcome at the same time.

‘How are things going here?’ Freddie asked John and Roger in particular as the three of them slyly glanced at Brian.

‘Mmm, very good,’ Roger winked, taking a sip from his glass of wine. ‘We kept him in ignorance.’

‘He really doesn’t know anything yet?’ Freddie asked with a fond smile on his lips, and John and Roger nodded with a wink.

‘No, they didn’t want to tell me anything about my date all week long…’  Brian answered Freddie’s question, unaware of the fact that that was not exactly what the three boys were talking about. ‘But what are you doing here? I thought you had an appointment tonight,’ Brian asked in total confusion now he was seeing his companies’ grins grow wider.

‘Oh, but he has!’ Roger replied. ‘It took you long enough, though!’ he chided the latecomer.

‘I’m sorry, dear. You know me. Always fashionably late,’ Freddie smiled as he shook his black tresses out of his face, before he turned to look at a more than disorientated Brian.

‘Yes, knowing you, you spent hours in preparation of tonight, isn’t?’ John chuckled as Freddie could not deny his assumption, before his voice turned more serious. ‘Do sit down, please. I think the time has come to finally tell Brian what we’re actually here for.’

‘Wait, what- what’s going on here?’ Brian stammered, his worried glance resting between all three of his companies, before it suddenly hit him.

_Blind date. Not wanting to tell a single thing about this evening. The sly glances and smiles exchanged between Roger and John every time. The peculiar answers to his questions._

_‘Freddie is already occupied on Friday night.’_

Brian looked up at Freddie with his amber eyes wide open, showing off fear and shock and disbelief and helplessness all at the same time, opening his mouth slightly to say something but closing it after a few seconds when it became apparent that he was at a loss for words.

_This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening to me._

Yet, when Freddie looked at him with the most loving and gentle glance in his eyes, Brian knew for sure that he was not mistaken, that it wasn’t just another mind game, another dream which was at the same time a nightmare, and all he could do was try to keep on breathing when Freddie sat down right across from him and spoke to him.

‘I think you can guess why we all gathered here tonight, Brian.’ Freddie’s voice was calm, careful, soothing even, but at the moment Brian was too stressed and too overwhelmed to be calmed down by _anything_.

‘I-I don’t,’ Brian whispered while trying to make sense out of the abstract mess that made up his mind. He couldn’t understand why he hadn’t foreseen this, why he hadn’t noticed this plot, how he could have been so stupid and so blind. _Love makes blind, but trying to block out love turns out to be even more blinding._ ‘I don’t- I don’t under… understand,’ he managed breathlessly, not ready to give in that this was really happening at the moment.

‘Then I’ll explain it to you,’ Freddie said as he leant forwards a little bit. ‘Brian, we’ve known each other for years and ever since I first met you, I felt like you were very special. You were so... well, where do I start? I liked everything about you. Your kindness. Your intelligence. Your looks. Your love for music. And soon I found myself thinking about you all the time,’ Freddie started, looking down for a second before he faced Brian again, who was still looking at him in total horror and disbelief. 'And it wasn't too long before I realised that I was, in fact, in love with you,' Freddie continued softly, and Brian felt the first tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, trying his very hard to blink them away but failing miserably, which frustrated him even more.

 _Don't give in now, Brian. You've come so far and you know what the consequences of coming out are. Don't give up your life tonight,_ the voice in his head told him, but Brian couldn't help listening to Freddie's story when the man in front of him picked up his story line again.

‘You mean the world to me and even more. We’re here tonight because I wanted to ask you something,’ Freddie fumbled around under the table for a short moment, before he showed off the green,- and lilac item Brian had seen before. It was only now that he saw what it was for real: a bouquet of small branches of lilac orchids. 'These are for you, dear. I doubted between roses or these, but I thought orchids would be nicer, considering this environment,' Freddie smiled softly as he handed Brian the flowers, but Brian was still absolutely too shocked to react, so John took the from Freddie's hands instead and put them down on the table, nodding at him as the sign of encouragement Freddie needed so badly.

'Brian, I know this is hard for you and I know you want to avoid this subject at all costs. But we can't go on like this,' Freddie’s voice was soft and delicate as he put his hand on Brian’s, that was still lying motionless on the table. 'Because darling, I've kept an eye on you for years and I can see right through your façade. You can pretend all you want but I know exactly what you're trying to hide from us,' Freddie said - not accusatorily, but like he actually wanted to help him, which made Brian even more nervous, causing his breath to stock in his throat.

_Don't say it. Please, don't say it._

'Freddie... please, don't do this to me,' Brian's voice was nothing more than a squeaky whisper now that he was on the edge of tears, which seemed to affect Freddie deeply.

‘Please understand me, Brian. The last thing I want is to hurt you, but I can’t stand seeing you hurting yourself any longer,’ his voice cracked a little at the end of the sentence – he clearly needed a second before he picked up the conversation – or monologue –  again. ‘And I think the time has come to get the cards on the table.’

Brian opened his mouth in a helpless attempt to say something, _anything_ that might bring up another subject, but all he ended up doing was closing it again and shaking his head lightly in a weak attempt to stop Freddie from saying the words he both longed and feared to hear.

'Brian, I love you. And I want to be with you so badly. I'm not going to ask you to say the same to me, since I know that for some reason you seem to be having a real hard time _,_ you know _…_ ’ Freddie's voice trailed down slightly when he tried to search for an understatement of the actual situation, but then he took in a deep breath and he looked right into Brian's teary eyes as he continued: 'No more understatements. I'm not going to ask you to say the same to me, since I know that for some reason you seem to be having a real hard time giving in to your sexual preferences.'

Though he knew he shouldn't be at all surprised, the words still hit Brian like rocks. Yet, he didn't have a lot of time to think about that once sentence when an even more disastrous one followed. 'But we’ve got plenty of time to talk about that later. All I want to know for now is... Will you go on this date with me?'

And there it was. That once sentence Brian's heart had longed to hear for years and years, that he had prayed for day after day and dreamt about night after night. Still, this didn't seem to be enough, because the eternally malicious voice in his head got the better of him when he quickly wiped a tear that threatened to fall from his eyes away and made the first movements to get up and leave.

‘I… I can’t do this, Freddie. I’m sorry,’ Brian whispered hoarsely as he got off his knees. He needed to get away – after years and years of keeping up his façade, pretending to be straight, pretending not to be in love with the man that never left his head at day, haunted his head at night, he was absolutely not ready to be pulled out of the closet like this. He felt the first tears starting to leak from his eyes and he quickly turned his head around so the other boys couldn’t see that he was about to break down. He shakily stood up and hastily looked around through a haze of tears to find a place to get away in the restaurant – a separated dining room, restroom, a closet even; any room that would offer him some time and some space far away from this surreal situation he needed to escape from so badly.

But just as he turned around to walk off to wherever his feet managed to drag him off to, he saw Freddie standing up from the corners of his eyes, and he heard his voice call out to him.

‘Please, Brian. Don’t run away from me this time.’ And then, he added the soft yet heart-breaking second part of the sentence that made Brian unable to move or even breathe for a moment. ‘And please don’t run away from yourself this time.’

Brian stood transfixed to the floor, biting on his bottom lip as he felt the reality of that one sentence sinking on. Because that one line had just described his life for the past years. That line summed up all his feelings, his actions, his thoughts, his fears.

_He was running away from himself._

And after all these years, he finally realised that he couldn’t go on like this. He was fighting a losing battle and he always had been. But there was only one man who could break the spell that was cast upon them, and that was the man who was standing right behind him. The man who was, whether he liked it or not, the love of his life.

In that moment he realised that he couldn’t turn his back to the love of his life any longer. And therefore, he turned around to face Freddie, feeling the first teardrops leaking down from his eyes when Freddie's tensed glance softened and when he walked past the table, wrapping his arms tightly around Brian to offer him the comfort he had been needing for all those years.

'Oh, Brian, darling...' Freddie whispered whilst smoothing his hand over the small of Brian's back, which only seemed to make the younger boy cry more. Freddie gladly pressed his crush closer against his body, ignoring the stares from other customers around them; he never really cared about what other people might think of them, but at this very moment, with Brian crying helplessly onto his shoulder, he couldn't care less about their curious, confused and annoyed glances. 'It's fine, baby. Just cry. Let it all out,' he soothed. Even though it broke his heart to see Brian crying, he was secretly enjoying the feeling of finally being able to hold Brian, to hush him, to tell him it's okay to sow off his emotions without having Brian literally and figuratively pushing him away any longer.

'But I- John and Roger, they talked about a girl-' Brian managed, but Roger shook his head.

'Actually, we didn't. We only ever referred to your date as _'your date'_ or _'the person we set you up with'_ or something like that - we never spoke about a gender. Because we knew you'd never go with us if you knew we set you up with a guy,' Roger explained, which reduced Brian to tears even more.

'I-I'm sorry, Freddie,' Brian choked out almost inaudibly. 'I'm s-so sorry for a-all this,’ he managed before he continued crying onto the shoulder he was clinging onto so desperately. And Freddie gladly let him - he let out a shaky breath of relief that this way of approaching the forbidden topic had finally managed to break the ever-lasting silence, and he rocked Brian slightly in his arms.

'Hush, dear. There's nothing to be sorry about. Just cry and let me hold you,' Freddie whispered, his eyes closed while drawing unidentified patterns on the back of Brian's shirt, just to block out any other observation apart from the feeling of finally being able to hold Brian the way he had longer to do for years. He had almost forgotten about the rest of the world when he heard the soft voice of the hostess, but luckily John and Roger spoke to her so he could continue taking care of Brian, who was clearly down on his nerves by this unexpected turn-out of the situation.

'I'm sorry to interfere, but is everything going alright here? Is there anything I can do for you?'

'No, this is exactly what we were hoping for. Maybe a glass of water and a tissue will do.'

'Kida, can you get us a glass of water and a box of tissues, please?' Freddie heard the hostess call out to one of the waitresses, before he was caught up in Brian's weeping again.

They stayed in this almost motionless position for what must have been minutes, until Brian's crying changed to an erratic sobbing. Eventually, Freddie felt his friend weekly trying to release him from the taut grip he was holding him in and he carefully let go of him. As he finally opened his eyes again, he noticed that numeral people had gathered around the two of them, but it was all unimportant at the moment because Brian was standing right in front op him, his cheeks wet with tears, his skinny frame still shaking mildly. Freddie brought his hand up to wipe away a line of transparent teardrops, taking Brian in his arms again when Brian found the courage to look him in the eyes.

'It's fine, dear. Come, let's sit down so we can finally talk about it after all these years,' he whispered in Brian's ear, feeling Brian nod slightly against his shoulder. They broke apart for the second time and whilst Roger and John directed all the bystanders back to their places, Freddie guided Brian to the spot they had been sitting before, crouching down on the floor next to him.

'So,' Freddie started calmly when the three of them had gathered around Brian, whose sobbing had almost died out by now. 'No more understatements, no more avoidance, more excuses, no more limitations. From now off, we're going to talk openly. Promise?' he asked Brian, who was staring

down at his knees, keeping his head down as he nodded obediently, still emitting silent tears. 'Very good,' Freddie praised, running his hand through Brian's untameable curls, leaning back on his heels to give him more space. 'Darling, in the past years we've all discovered that it's so hard to talk with you about your love life and your sexual preferences. But why is that? Why are you so reticent about it?' he asked gently, hoping so incredibly badly for a valid answer to the question that had been haunting his head for all those years.

And finally, after all those years of covering up, of avoiding every direct,- or indirect question regarding his sexual orientation, of not wanting to talk about anything in the domain of love, Brian took in a deep breath before he shakily started telling the story of why exactly his biggest fear was coming out to the world. With new tears welling up in his eyes, he spoke in a whisper about how he first found out he might prefer guys over girl, but how the consequences - losing his friends, disappointing his mother, having his father beat him and kick him out of the house, ruining his career in astrophysics, not to forget that being gay was a crime back in the 1960s - made him decide that it was better to cover up and stay inside the closet, a position which turned out to be too safe to leave, even when most of the negative consequences vanished when time passed.

'Oh my God...' Freddie whispered when Brian had to pause for a moment, and in a complete state of shock he took him into his arms again. 'But darling, there is no need to be so afraid to come out,' he soothed, but the younger boy shook his head.

'There is, Freddie. You should hear how my friends and my father spoke about... about people like us. I really was terrified of them finding out how I felt on the inside, so I started dating girls instead. And time after time I tried so hard to fall in love with them, but I knew I could never actually be so,' Brian sobbed, and whilst Freddie tried to calm him down, John gladly took the highly necessary glass of water and box of tissues one of the waitresses offered them.

'So I never fell in love with those girls, but a-after a while, I felt like, if I tried hard enough, I could actually live with a girl and conform to everybody's standards...' Brian continued when he had gained control over his body again. 'I barely thought about coming out after a while, but when I met you,' the guitarist nodded at Roger with the slightest of a chuckle, 'well, I was jealous of how easy it seemed to be for you to go with whoever you liked, male or female. But as you can see, it didn't manage to pull me out of the closet...' Brian swallowed painfully before he picked up his storyline again. 'But when I was really starting to believe I could live a heterosexual life, there was this one person that ruined all my hard work and effort.'

'And that was Freddie,' John guessed silently, to which Brian could only nod. He knew there was no turning back this time; he knew he had to live with the consequences of the words he was now going to speak. But for the first time in forever, he knew the time was there to tell the truth.

'That was you, Freddie. It was you and it’s always been you,’ he said, and now he had started, he couldn’t stop talking. It was as if all the feelings he had hid for years had to be expressed at this very moment. ‘I- I can’t pretend like I’m not in love with you anymore. I tried not to but from the very moment I saw you, I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you s-so hard a-and I was so infatuated, and I still am until this very day,’ Brian sniffed, rubbing a line of tears from his face.

'And as you can see, I’m in love with you,’ Freddie spoke softly, the glance in his eyes softening as Brian’s bottom lip started trembling again. ‘Ahw, don’t cry. Come here,’ Freddie soothed as he pulled the younger boy against his chest again. ‘It’s fine, dear. It’s fine.’

‘I know, I’m fine. I- I’m just happy that I’ve finally got this off my chest now,’ Brian managed. ‘I’m happy I’ve finally gotten around to tell you that I am…’ he swallowed shortly before he spoke up again. ‘That I am, you know, _gay_. God, it’s so weird to finally say that…’  Brian let out a breathy half-laugh, half-sob, looking up as Freddie rested his fingertips on his shoulders.

‘I’m proud of you, and I’m happy you’ve finally come out as well. From now off, it's only going to get better. Speaking of which...' Freddie glanced at John, who immediately seemed to understand what he was going on about, handing him the bouquet of orchids. 'Second attempt?' Freddie asked innocently, yet with that excited sparkle in his eyes. Brian brushed away the last remains of tears before he nodded quickly, wordlessly giving Freddie the permission he had wanted to give him all along – the only difference was that this time, he knew he was genuinely ready for it.

'Darling, I know this is hard for you, but if you are in for this I promise you I'll be at your side through everything,' he started, making Brian emit a quiet sob at those long-needed words. 'I don’t need answers or explanations or anything. There's just one thing I want to know now: Do you want to go on this date with me?'

'I thought you'd never ask me,' Brian smiled as he took the flowers from Freddie. 'I do. And I want so much more, Freddie. I don't just want this date - I just need more time, but if you’re willing to give me that, I promise you I'll offer you everything I have. Because I genuinely want to be with you,' he found himself saying without any form of regret or guilt or fear.

'Of course I will, darling,' Freddie said, running his hand through Brian's curls. 'You can take all the time you need. We'll take things slow. There's no need to hurry love anyway - we've got a lifetime ahead,' he added, making Brian tear up a little bit, because these were the words he had longed to hear for so long. The spoken words of approval from his crush instead of the feared words of rejection from the rest of the society. And suddenly he realised that all he had ever needed was Freddie’s approval.  

'Thank you. For your patience and your insistence and your understanding, and...'

 _And I love you._ The words he had wanted to say since the very first moment he had met Freddie, the words that haunted his mind whenever he was with Freddie, but at the same time the words he thought he would never be able to speak out loud, escaped his lips before he knew it.

'And I love you,' he added breathlessly, looking down insecurely for a moment, before he smiled when Freddie leant in to gently kiss his forehead.

'I love you more,' Freddie answered. 'I can’t wait to finally be with you. God, I'm so happy you've finally opened up your mind for me,’ he said, and Brian couldn’t deny that he was just as happy, if not happier, that he had finally given in to not just his sexual orientation, but to the love if his life.

'And I'm so grateful you gave me the last push I needed to come out. I'm so grateful you two set me up with him,' Brian said to John and Roger, who couldn't help chuckling.

'Don't need to thank us, lad. This whole blind date was Freddie's idea,' John said with a wink.

This managed to make Brian smile through the still-lingering haze of tears. ‘It was your idea?’ Brian faced Freddie again, who blushed slightly now his secret was revealed.

‘I was clueless, baby. I had tried to talk to you so many times and I didn’t see another option but to-,’ Freddie started, but Brian was having none of it.

'Allow me to thank you for that,' Brian whispered, and under the watchful eye - and the applause - of the whole clientele of the restaurant, he finally allowed himself to let go of the limitations and restrictions he had always imposed on himself and do what he had wanted to since the first day he had met Freddie;  he leant forwards and pressed his lips against Freddie’s in a shy yet confident gesture, because he had always known that whatever the consequences were going to be, there was going to be a day on which love was going to overpower the will of his self-imposed protectiveness – and that day turned out to be this one. And as Freddie got up on his knees and flung his arms around his neck to pull him into a deeper kiss that expressed both love and affection and gratefulness, the guitarist finally got the proof of what he had known all along: No matter what friends, family or the overall society was going to say about them, Freddie and him were meant to be.

 


End file.
